Just Incase

My great plan is to live to 120 alongside the rest of my generation, but one can not plan for those random events like a bus careening towards you on a very unlucky night.

So if I do die prematurely, I’d like to set a few things straight. I’d like to prevent the miles of projection that others might place in my un-living mouth.

I believe that there is just as good of a chance that there is no meaning, purpose, or order to the universe as there being a higher power. I find it unlikely that there is a God in the Judeo-Christian sense, but certainly not impossible. I think that there is sufficient evidence that if there is a God with a capital G, that it is certainly not all powerful and all loving, though could be all knowing. I think that we are almost certainly not seeing the whole picture and that just as a dog can’t understand so many things that we can, there are an equal amount of concepts that we humans can’t understand or perceive. Don’t take that as licence to project your beliefs in “energy”, fate, ghosts, the after life, aliens, spirits, gluten intolerance, or anything else that I don’t specifically state on this site. Hopefully, in my lifetime, our understanding of reality will be much more comprehensive than today to the same degree and power as when we discovered bacteria, atoms, and gamma rays. This year, in 2017, my thoughts on the environment changed as the price of renewable energy sources have, in many cases, dropped below the cost of fossil fuel production. That doesn’t give you license to buy a gas guzzler, you piece of shit.

Time for a paragraph break?

Why are we here? I think that there is a slim chance that there is any purpose at all. It is your great honor and burden to find your own purpose. It is in this meaning that you will find happiness. For some, it’s God, for others it’s work. Don’t worry about it too much or you won’t enjoy the time that you have here.

On goals: 99.9% of a material goal is the work you put into achieving it. Hint – it’s not the achievement that will bring you happiness and even if it is, most of your life is not spent in a state of achievement. You better learn to love the rest, or you will be shit poor in your heart. What’s my goal? To be happy. In parts of my life, the goal for happiness was very direct and literal. As I get older, the happiness shifts, little by little, to a less selfish pursuit. I’ve always found it soul crushing to try to solve a large and important problem like ending world hunger, or spousal abuse. I find it more manageable to do things like be a good son, friend, partner, and eventually father. I don’t have the armor to go out and push the important boulder up a mountain every day. I don’t get charged by that effort like so many who I surround myself with. I get wounded, because it matters and I can’t fix it.

More on happiness: Here’s the secret to life, broken down into a very simple marketing equation – “expectations – outcome = reality” and you only have direct control over one of those variables. Many American’s squirm when I share this with them. “You want me to have low expectations?” Yes, I want your expectations to be low and the happiness that follows will more than makeup for anything you were missing.

What to do with my body? Whatever you want. I’m dead. I don’t need it anymore. Throw it to the wolves so that they can have a good meal. Burn me and compress my ashes into a diamond and wear that diamond as a stud in your belly button piercing. Donate my body to science, but first my organs to anyone who needs them (this is what I actually want you to do with my body). Parade my naked body down a major street as I dangle without shame, because I’m dead! Do what you need to do to feel good about the loss. If that means making a monument, go for it. If that means putting me in a pine box, ok, that works too. You wanna have a proper [insert your favorite religion here] funeral, ya, if it makes you feel better, I’m all in (and still dead). But if you’re hearing this being read by someone at my funeral, stop. Stop crying. Stop missing. Stop, and look at your neighbor and sincerely promise to push that boulder up the mountain that I didn’t have the strength to. Now get their phone number. Now put their number in your favorites list. Now get ready to call that neighbor every week, who you now have a sacred bond with and encourage them to keep the promise you made in my honor. That’s my only request. And you have to do it, because I’m dead, and as you squirm for something to lessen the feeling of loss, you have to honor my only request. I’ve been so easy until now and I want to take my one vote and make it count. I know it’s a numbers game and most of you aren’t going to follow through. And for those of you who don’t, I’m going to have to loosen up on that belief of ghosts so that I can haunt the shit out of you. And don’t not follow through just to game me into haunting you because you miss me. Stop laughing. I hope you’ve been laughing for a while now. I hope my funeral is my funniest moment. I hope the food is good. I hate sandwiches. Don’t save me any food, and really, eat sandwiches if you want to, I’m totally cool with it. This is fun!

Ummm, I’m not going to give any shout outs because I think it is akin to having to tattoo something on your body that is important to you. Those who I care about and love know it. There is no ambiguity there. You’re all here and if you couldn’t make it, then seriously forgive yourself, because I already have.

The point is, funerals are really stressful, and I think we should all dance now :)

Oh yeah, for my money: If I’m married, it goes to my wife. If I have kids, half of hers goes directly to them. If neither, it goes to the charity that my best friend Christian Schrimph picks. And Christian, don’t overthink it. Just pick a good one or a few good charities. And don’t choose something that I would personally found interesting like some fund to get underprivileged kids to travel. Just do the max good with the money. And don’t make a big scene out of it, like starting some charity in my name, just transfer the funds.